Worrying is a natural part of being a new parent, but if your baby had a difficult start, like if they were ill or suffered some sort of birth trauma, the worry can become constant. When that heightened sense of danger refuses to budge, you might find yourself checking if your baby is breathing every few minutes. Perhaps you’re scared to sleep, even when the baby is sleeping.
Sometimes, these behaviors mean more than just extra-careful parenting. They can be a sign of hypervigilance, which is a psychological response to trauma.
What Is Hypervigilance?
Hypervigilance can be described as always being on high alert. Your brain is stuck in emergency mode, even when there’s no immediate threat. The initial crisis that triggered it is long over and dealt with. You always feel like something bad is about to happen, so you stay on edge, just to be prepared. Signs of hypervigilance include:
- Not being able to relax, even in calm moments
- Replaying scary moments from the past (like flashbacks)
- Assuming the worst is always around the corner
- Feeling (and acting on) the need to constantly check your child
Why Does It Happen?
Essentially, this is a survival mechanism and tends to show up after a traumatic event. A difficult birth, an NICU stay, or a serious diagnosis are all common forebearers to hypervigilance. It can even result from a difficult childhood of your own. In those high-stress, high-stakes situations, your nervous system learned to scan for any tiny signs of incoming danger, but now it won’t switch off.
It’s common for parents of children with serious conditions like hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy to engage in hypervigilant thought patterns and behaviors. After experiencing such an intense few days or even weeks in the hospital, your brain can struggle to separate real risk from perceived risk, even months or years after being at home.
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash
How It Affects Daily Life
Hypervigilance often has a big impact on how you parent. For example, you might feel uncomfortable leaving your child with anyone else, even if it’s a trusted family member or just for a short time. Something as small as deciding what to feed your child can leave you feeling overwhelmed, and you might get upset or angry easily. You might also struggle to connect emotionally because your mind is hyper-focused on safety. All of this can manifest in lost sleep and exhaustion.
It affects your other relationships as well, including how you interact with your partner, family, friends, or other kids. Hypervigilance can be isolating. You might feel alone, misunderstood, or like no one else quite gets what you’re going through. Overall, neither your mind nor your body was designed for long-term stress. It takes a heavy toll on both.
What Can Help
First things first: know it’s not just you, and it’s not your fault. It’s a normal response to an abnormal situation. However, you don’t have to live in survival mode forever. Learning about trauma responses helps, as does talking to a professional therapist. Check your local area for support groups as well; being around other parents of medically complex kids can be so validating.
Endnote
If you’re relentlessly on edge, it’s more than normal worry. Your body is trying to protect you after the trauma you experienced. Remember, hypervigilance doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. It just means you care, and your mind-body is using powerful psychological devices to cope with something really, genuinely tough. With the right support, you can finally journey towards healing and feeling the calm you deserve.